i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.