if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
