What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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