I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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