Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
