Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
