We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
