went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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