he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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