Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You made out with two different species that night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
