But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
