shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
