Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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