Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
