Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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