You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
