So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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