he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
