He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
