Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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