Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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