watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
