i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
