separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
