I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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