we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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