Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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