The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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