I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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