I think i sorta joined a cult last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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