I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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