it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
