the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
