Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize