What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
