I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
