Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
