I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
