well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How does one acquire holy water?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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