I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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