My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
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no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
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But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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