two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
