you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Randomize
