Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
