There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
