Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
