I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
