Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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