I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
