Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
