I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
