yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
