watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
