Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Enjoy the penises
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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