why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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